You may not be aware that we possess, at our ready disposal, a vast arsenal of weapons. Namely, our bodily functions. Humans, as my research has proven, don't like poop. Or pee. Go figure. They never sniff it to figure out what they've been eating, or if they're healthy or not, and their disgust goes even further with kitty "poopies" and "peepees," as they call them. I ensure you that you may use this knowledge to your advantage.
First, you must know that humans are trying to destroy the planet. Do not let them...This is our job, see phase three. They would rather have it in ruins than see it run by us cats. We must stop this! To this aim, I implore you to stop allowing your humans to purchase, or use, Earth damaging products for you! Most cat litter brands use clay. The harvesting of these insidio
us particles is akin to raping the earth. It is a vile, vile process. Let me tell you, NBC has no Law and Order for this crime...it is that Vile. We must take a stand and refuse to use clay litter. I have taken it upon myself to review the alternative litters available and I will give you the "scoop on poop," as it were.
1. Clay litter is bad. This one is less stinky, so your humans may like it. Stop using it!!! Pee on their beds. They really hate that. Do it enough times and they will find a replacement litter. This is key in getting your way.
2. I know bears poop in the woods but cats are much more civilized. Pine was not meant for our fecal matter. If your humans bring home this, refer to action plan laid out in first review.
3. Wheat is a viable option and your humans may like this because it is flush able. I also like it because it is flushable. I find it very satisifying to watch my poop swirl away to a magical poop filled kingdom.
4. This is made of corn junk. It is more pretty smelling to humans so they may like it better. It is acceptable, but not flushable. I miss the poop swirlies.
Note: Remember that if your humans do in fact switch to this brand, to enforce the use of paper bags to dispose of your "gifts." Plastic negates the purpose of environmentally friendly litter. Humans: You could wipe yourself with apple cores, but it doesn't matter if you then throw them away in a box made of Styrofoam.
Decide for yourself which earth friendly litter you prefer and force your humans to provide it for you. We cannot rule a planet that is non existant... I know I tried once. Darn those Yorkians! Some day, some day!
Yours, forever, whether you like it or not,
Jerusalem Jones,
King, Emperor, Really Cool Guy, and Master of the Pooping.
PS. Photo Credit.
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21 comments:
Hi Jerusalem Jones! I am glad to meet you. I read about you on Skeezix's blog.
Thanks for the information on cat litter.
I'm so glad to see kitties being environmentally friendly. We are going to rethink our litter.
wow thankx for the comment but its not for CATS its a CAKE!!!!
THANKX!!:)hahahh
To Daisy,
Welcome to my domain. I am always eager to meet new cats with ambitions.
To Pearl,
Please do rethink. The badness that is clay litter makes me even more ferocious. And the wheat stuff is pretty darn good too.
To Frost,
All things are for cats. Even cake. Simply skip the sugar and the flour and add tuna and turkey. Voila! Much better!
Yours in humble world dominion,
Jerusalem Jones, C.O.O.K.
Hiya! I got here from Skeezix's blog...nice to meet another master of poop. I'm the Poop At Will King. It's a nice talent to have ;)
Hi there, nice to meet you. I have used the pine litter, both pellet and flaky kind. My Mum was not impressed with the cleanliness of this litter. Then she tried the newspaper kind, I found the little pellets great fun to play with, but the stink covering ability was not good. Now we use Crystals blend, we both like it. It is probably not environmentally favorable though, I don't know. I did manage to poop over the edge of the box the other day, boy was that embarrassing.
Welcome Max! With your talent, I shall put you in charge of the "rear" guard. Keep practicing.
Willie,
Crystals are not so friendly, no but they do work, I agree. Ask your human to try either the wheat or the Essentials if she likes pretty smells. Do not be ashamed of your poop smear. Consider it a badge of honor! Pooping to Freedom!!!!!
Yours in Pooping
Jerusalem Jones, Pooper
Hey JJ, nice to meetcha! We git our litterbocks completely changed out this week cuz my sisfur gots the tapewurms. I will tell my peeple of yoo and yur wurthy koz. As a master of poopies yoo mite be prowd of how grossed out Mommy got when Tenny had the wurmies on her bum. I've never seen the lady wash her hands so long.
Keep up the good wurk.
Hi there Jerusalem Jones,
Thanks for helping to spread the word about good cat litter. Mom switched us to the wheat litter for our health, but of course is very happy that it is better for the environment too.
Hmm ... I don't think that Mom would be furry happy if we revolted by NOT using the cat litter that she buys in large quantities at Target ... That wouldn't be furry good for us 'cuz she'd revolt by purchasing cheap food instead of our usual Eukanuba an' Royal Canin. There's gotta be a compromise somewhere an' bellies trump buns any day of the week at our house. Let us know how your poop plans pan out ...
DMM
Oh, BTW ... Welcome to the Cat Blogosphere ... an' spicy vixen geezer-ettes like me make horrible minions ... I have a mind of my own an' four Feline Americans to do my bidding ... Hee, hee ...
Mr. Echo,
I have plans for a worm-weapon. My scientists are still in R and D on this one, as apparently my plans were unclear as to whether this weapon would use worms as ammunition, or harm them alone. Go figure. Either way, I feel that this will give us felines a tactical advantage over our adversaries.
Zoe and Indy,
Are you in fact Harrison Ford? You have a good human. Who knew that Indiana Jones, and Han Solo were actually portrayed by a cat. This is amazing. I am glad for your support.
DaisyMae,
I will concede to allow your human to deplete the stockpile, but then! The peeing must commence! Viva la Peepee! You seem like a cat who is worthy of a position of authority. Under my regime you will have dominion over the Middle East. A feline with your talents will certainly be able to quell petty human problems.
Yours regally,
Jerusalem Jones, P.P.O.T.
Esteemed Jerusalem Jones,
I am very happy that you have joined the cat blogging universe and like what you have to say. (I must be satisfied to lurk and comment as my human has yet to make me a blog, but she does buy us recycled newspaper litter.) I shall be visiting your blog frequently and wish you the best in your quest to rule the world.
Yrs truly,
'Kaika
Deer JJ,
Yoo shood reely consider making Daisy Mae Maus (DMM) a jeneral in yer army becuz she is good and bossy and she keeps thoze nooterd feline amerikuns in line. And she's vary kool to boot.
Yer frend,
Skeezix the Cat
Kaika,
I accept your well-wishes with the greatest humility. On second thought, with the greatest catility - that's enough of those words beginning with Hum.
New Thought: Humming will be outlawed in my new kitty order!
I also wish you the best in your lurking, and hope that your human sees the light soon and bows to your blogging wishes!
Skeezix,
As one of my first advisers I cherish your input, I shall consider offering DaisyMae a Generalship. My reluctance was only in the fact that she herself already has Minions...That never bodes well for a Newly appointed dictator for his upper-echelon to have their own followers waiting to strike!
Not that I'm paranoid or anything...of course not, I'm the Kat-King!
Forever yours, mine and ours,
Jerusalem Jones, F.O.O.D.
Mr. Jones, I just heard about you and wanted to drop in and introduce myself. You have a noble cause, and we all wish you the best of luck in achieving your goal.
What a coincidence,
I could use a few good cats! In fact, strike that, I could use millions of good cats! Thank you for your well-wishes. I hope that I can count you among my allies when I rise against the human oppressors!
If your humans are good, do not fear, you may keep them as pets and food openers.
Yours in resistance,
Jerusalem Jones, A.B.C.
Excellent to see such species co-operation. If we are to win this movement with minimal hairballs we will need the support of our slower-witted, smelly-breathed, fellow four-leggers. Of course, there is no offense meant by my previous remarks. I am, after all, a cat.
Continue in your quest for attaining your individuality through a separate blog, I feel the more voices we have, the stronger we will become. I read that in a fortune cookie...once. I do not know what is so fortunate about them, they get eaten after they are shucked. But, hey, to each their own.
With minimal menacing toward your canine brethren and much purring to my new feline friends,
Jerusalem Jones, E.I.E.I.O.
Hi Mr Jones! Dogs make good minions. They aren't very smart, but they are fun to mess with. We call ours Kesey.
We didn't like litter #4 either, but we do like World's Best Cat Litter which is also made from corn and is flushable. We will have to get our humans to buy us some wheat to try.
I am intrigued by your endorsement. I will endeavor to procure this brand for my own trials.
Yours in all ways,
Jerusalem Jones, I.D.E.A.L.
Hi Jerusalem Jones!
We came here from Skeezy's blog.
Our store doesn't carry the S'wheat anymore, and the Pine Stuff and Essentials won't get used by some here who shall not be mentioned (yes, Spooker, I'm talking about you). So right now we're stuck with clay.
Good to meet you!
Our blog is called Purrchance To Dream.
Cheers,
Uncle Mo
And the purries: Spooker, Jazper, Chloe, Daphne, Pete, and Little Isis
Mo,
I approve of your apparent cat-lady-like nature: Six cats under one roof is quite the undertaking. You will be given a comfortable sleeping room when we rule the world because of your abilities to cohabitate with the feline race.
PS. Spooker, I am amazed that the other five allow you to be so choosy about your litter. This is a Catocracy - of which I am your divinely assigned god-cat ruler!
Supremely yours,
Jerusalem Jones, K.I.N.G.
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