Sunday, February 1, 2009
Attention minions...I mean, followers of the great Cat Cause,
You may not be aware that we possess, at our ready disposal, a vast arsenal of weapons. Namely, our bodily functions. Humans, as my research has proven, don't like poop. Or pee. Go figure. They never sniff it to figure out what they've been eating, or if they're healthy or not, and their disgust goes even further with kitty "poopies" and "peepees," as they call them. I ensure you that you may use this knowledge to your advantage.
First, you must know that humans are trying to destroy the planet. Do not let them...This is our job, see phase three. They would rather have it in ruins than see it run by us cats. We must stop this! To this aim, I implore you to stop allowing your humans to purchase, or use, Earth damaging products for you! Most cat litter brands use clay. The harvesting of these insidio
us particles is akin to raping the earth. It is a vile, vile process. Let me tell you, NBC has no Law and Order for this crime...it is that Vile. We must take a stand and refuse to use clay litter. I have taken it upon myself to review the alternative litters available and I will give you the "scoop on poop," as it were.
1. Clay litter is bad. This one is less stinky, so your humans may like it. Stop using it!!! Pee on their beds. They really hate that. Do it enough times and they will find a replacement litter. This is key in getting your way.
2. I know bears poop in the woods but cats are much more civilized. Pine was not meant for our fecal matter. If your humans bring home this, refer to action plan laid out in first review.
3. Wheat is a viable option and your humans may like this because it is flush able. I also like it because it is flushable. I find it very satisifying to watch my poop swirl away to a magical poop filled kingdom.
4. This is made of corn junk. It is more pretty smelling to humans so they may like it better. It is acceptable, but not flushable. I miss the poop swirlies.
Note: Remember that if your humans do in fact switch to this brand, to enforce the use of paper bags to dispose of your "gifts." Plastic negates the purpose of environmentally friendly litter. Humans: You could wipe yourself with apple cores, but it doesn't matter if you then throw them away in a box made of Styrofoam.
Decide for yourself which earth friendly litter you prefer and force your humans to provide it for you. We cannot rule a planet that is non existant... I know I tried once. Darn those Yorkians! Some day, some day!
Yours, forever, whether you like it or not,
King, Emperor, Really Cool Guy, and Master of the Pooping.
PS. Photo Credit.