Cat-tactics 101

I'm glad everyone is here.  First, I'd like to say this about Cleaning - it's for the humans.  Let me tell you, besides licking myself to keep this silky coat, I don't lift a paw around the house.

Today my humans spent the evening 'cleaning the house.'  I do not like this.  And I advise all followers of the Cat Cause to follow in my paw-steps.

Step One:  Be everywhere you are not wanted, at the same time.  As cats, we of course can do this.  At the same time that you are taking up the entire bed to prevent changing the sheets, you must be scampering across the kitchen table, knocking the linens to the floor.

Step Two:  Beat the humans to the punch.  If it looks like they are finally done trying to vacuum, climb up onto the shelves so they can't dust either.

Step Three:  Taste everything...and I mean everything.  Fortunately for me, my humans use naturally derived cleaning products so I am in no real danger, although this does not stop mummy from swatting at me if i start to sniff hungrily at her spray bottles.  I advise skipping step three if you do not live in a Green home.

Step Four:  As soon as they finish cleaning something, you need to remark your territory.  Roll around on the vacuumed rug and sofa.  Walk across the newly cleaned tables, and press your nose against the clean glass surfaces.  Again, I'd recommend tasting everything--as this helps to keep steps one and two going at all times.

With these four easy steps, your humans will give you as many treats as you want to keep you out of the way.  And, as we all know treats are another way of gathering political power over the feeble-minded humans.

Yours sanitarily,

Jerusalem Jones, O.X.Y.

Now Accepting Applications...

My fellow felines, and supporting animals (including sympathetic humans),

Many of you would like to see a Cat in power. I urge you to either join my army or, at least join the feline political party and vote "Meow!" The responsibilities of a cat soldier are not like people soldiers. We do not use guns or other bang-bangs. No. Those are for humans. We use much more sophisticated tactics. Tactics that you probably already employ. For instance, sleep depravation is one of my favorite tactics. Try this, if you haven't already. At four in the morning, go into your people's room. Knock things over. Loudly. Then, run and jump over the bed. Miss. Land on your people. Run. Rinse, and repeat. Very easy. Very effective. Go, on, try it. You know you want to...