Saturday, February 7, 2009

Cat-tactics 101

I'm glad everyone is here.  First, I'd like to say this about Cleaning - it's for the humans.  Let me tell you, besides licking myself to keep this silky coat, I don't lift a paw around the house.

Today my humans spent the evening 'cleaning the house.'  I do not like this.  And I advise all followers of the Cat Cause to follow in my paw-steps.

Step One:  Be everywhere you are not wanted, at the same time.  As cats, we of course can do this.  At the same time that you are taking up the entire bed to prevent changing the sheets, you must be scampering across the kitchen table, knocking the linens to the floor.

Step Two:  Beat the humans to the punch.  If it looks like they are finally done trying to vacuum, climb up onto the shelves so they can't dust either.

Step Three:  Taste everything...and I mean everything.  Fortunately for me, my humans use naturally derived cleaning products so I am in no real danger, although this does not stop mummy from swatting at me if i start to sniff hungrily at her spray bottles.  I advise skipping step three if you do not live in a Green home.

Step Four:  As soon as they finish cleaning something, you need to remark your territory.  Roll around on the vacuumed rug and sofa.  Walk across the newly cleaned tables, and press your nose against the clean glass surfaces.  Again, I'd recommend tasting everything--as this helps to keep steps one and two going at all times.

With these four easy steps, your humans will give you as many treats as you want to keep you out of the way.  And, as we all know treats are another way of gathering political power over the feeble-minded humans.

Yours sanitarily,
Jerusalem Jones, O.X.Y.

6 comments:

Daisy said...

Thanks for the tips! Being sanitary is very important. To prevent insanity.

DEBRA said...

jj

you are a very wise cat!

purrs
abby

DaisyMae Maus said...

Excellent suggestions, J.J. You've obviously purrfected your tactics!
DMM

The Crew said...

I don't understand why Mom's laughing. Something about "multiply that by 4".

Your friend
Misty

Simone and Magellan said...

Sawadii ka - meow..You need to tell your "people" to move to Thailand.... our grandma never cleans the house, we have a super fun "play lady" who comes (grandma calls her the maabahn or maid) and she washes the tile floor, removes our kitty furr fluffs and throws our toys for all all at the same time.

Jerusalem Jones said...

Misty,
I am also unsure of what the humans find so humorous. My people laugh sometimes at random as well. It is most curious and I am constantly experimenting to see what causes these outbursts. My tests are inconclusive at the moment.

Simone and Magellan,
It sounds like you are living the life over in Thailand. I have my people fairly well trained, but they are not yet of the level of your so called - "play lady." Purr-haps I shall ship my people over to learn from the masters there.

Daisy,
You are absolutely right. Sanity and Sanitary are dangerously close in their silly human tongue. I do like to keep them on their toes, and not let them off so easy though. If they are going to be ignoring me while cleaning - I will show them the power of my iron paw! Meow!

DMM and Abby,
I thank you for your compliments. I am always looking for new ways to torture my people. Sometimes they take having such a supreme being living with them, and I cannot let this pass unpunished. Rowl!

Pouncingly yours,
Jerusalem Jones, M.E.O.W.