Food for thought...

Friends, fans, and fiends;

I feel the time has come to impart more of my vast knowledge to you all about how our humans should be treating us.  We are kings!  And queens...and some of us even jesters.  But, to each their own!

I have recently approved funding for the Research and Development team to create a new branch of their department devoted to the proper feeding of our kitties-in-arms.  This new program shall be known as the Meow March Meals Mission - or Mmmm for short.

I am now pleased to provide to you, the first round of information which Mmmm has gathered:

Dry Kitten Food:  This stuff is delicious!  From what I've heard, it's like human fast food, or tv dinners.  While this food is very tasty, the nutritional value of the food varies from brand to brand.

Specialty Dry Kitten Food:  While healthier for you, and providing more of the vitamins and minerals a cat needs to grow strong enough to throw off the bonds of his/her oppressors, it tastes like vegetables - yuck!  I do not approve, give me junk food any day!

Organic Dry Kitten Food:  This is the best option from both worlds: Taste and Nutritional Value.  It tastes great cause it's made of all those real foods, like chicken, and tuna, rice, and beef.  None of those artificial flavors.  And it's healthier for you for those same reasons, our bodies can take in more nutrients from natural foods than they can from artificial vitamins and minerals.

The trick to teach our humans is this:  Organic and Green are not the same things.  Organic food is great, but Green Organic food is amazing.  The difference is this:

Organic food is made from all natural ingredients.  Things like chicken, beef, salmon, rice, etc.

Green means that it is also safe for the environment because of the way that it is manufactured.  That means there was no Animal Testing.  And, it's produced without the use of petroleum-based pesticides and fertilizers, and uses meat from animals that were raised without antibiotics or growth hormones which can pollute waterways.

Do any of you cats and kitties out there in the inter-nets eat some of this organic stuff?  If so, how is it?  My humans' wills are weakening, they are  succumbing to my mind-powers and are considering buying it.  I do not wish them to get rid of my current favorite before I know if I will like the new food.  I need all the input I can get!

Litter-ary Value,

Attention minions...I mean, followers of the great Cat Cause,

You may not be aware that we possess, at our ready disposal, a vast arsenal of weapons. Namely, our bodily functions. Humans, as my research has proven, don't like poop. Or pee. Go figure. They never sniff it to figure out what they've been eating, or if they're healthy or not, and their disgust goes even further with kitty "poopies" and "peepees," as they call them. I ensure you that you may use this knowledge to your advantage.

First, you must know that humans are trying to destroy the planet. Do not let them...This is our job, see phase three. They would rather have it in ruins than see it run by us cats. We must stop this! To this aim, I implore you to stop allowing your humans to purchase, or use, Earth damaging products for you! Most cat litter brands use clay. The harvesting of these insidio

us particles is akin to raping the earth. It is a vile, vile process.  Let me tell you, NBC has no Law and Order for this crime...it is that Vile. We must take a stand and refuse to use clay litter. I have taken it upon myself to review the alternative litters available and I will give you the "scoop on poop," as it were.

1. Clay litter is bad. This one is less stinky, so your humans may like it. Stop using it!!! Pee on their beds. They really hate that. Do it enough times and they will find a replacement litter. This is key in getting your way.

2. I know bears poop in the woods but cats are much more civilized. Pine was not meant for our fecal matter. If your humans bring home this, refer to action plan laid out in first review. 

3. Wheat is a viable option and your humans may like this because it is flush able. I also like it because it is flushable. I find it very satisifying to watch my poop swirl away to a magical poop filled kingdom.

4. This is made of corn junk. It is more pretty smelling to humans so they may like it better. It is acceptable, but not flushable. I miss the poop swirlies.

Note:  Remember that if your humans do in fact switch to this brand, to enforce the use of paper bags to dispose of your "gifts."  Plastic negates the purpose of environmentally friendly litter.  Humans:  You could wipe yourself with apple cores, but it doesn't matter if you then throw them away in a box made of Styrofoam.

Decide for yourself which earth friendly litter you prefer and force your humans to provide it for you. We cannot rule a planet that is non existant... I know I tried once. Darn those Yorkians!  Some day, some day!

Yours, forever, whether you like it or not,

Jerusalem Jones,

King, Emperor, Really Cool Guy, and Master of the Pooping.

PS.  Photo Credit.