Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Food for thought...

Friends, fans, and fiends;

I feel the time has come to impart more of my vast knowledge to you all about how our humans should be treating us.  We are kings!  And queens...and some of us even jesters.  But, to each their own!

I have recently approved funding for the Research and Development team to create a new branch of their department devoted to the proper feeding of our kitties-in-arms.  This new program shall be known as the Meow March Meals Mission - or Mmmm for short.

I am now pleased to provide to you, the first round of information which Mmmm has gathered:

Dry Kitten Food:  This stuff is delicious!  From what I've heard, it's like human fast food, or tv dinners.  While this food is very tasty, the nutritional value of the food varies from brand to brand.

Specialty Dry Kitten Food:  While healthier for you, and providing more of the vitamins and minerals a cat needs to grow strong enough to throw off the bonds of his/her oppressors, it tastes like vegetables - yuck!  I do not approve, give me junk food any day!

Organic Dry Kitten Food:  This is the best option from both worlds: Taste and Nutritional Value.  It tastes great cause it's made of all those real foods, like chicken, and tuna, rice, and beef.  None of those artificial flavors.  And it's healthier for you for those same reasons, our bodies can take in more nutrients from natural foods than they can from artificial vitamins and minerals.

The trick to teach our humans is this:  Organic and Green are not the same things.  Organic food is great, but Green Organic food is amazing.  The difference is this:
Organic food is made from all natural ingredients.  Things like chicken, beef, salmon, rice, etc.
Green means that it is also safe for the environment because of the way that it is manufactured.  That means there was no Animal Testing.  And, it's produced without the use of petroleum-based pesticides and fertilizers, and uses meat from animals that were raised without antibiotics or growth hormones which can pollute waterways.

Do any of you cats and kitties out there in the inter-nets eat some of this organic stuff?  If so, how is it?  My humans' wills are weakening, they are  succumbing to my mind-powers and are considering buying it.  I do not wish them to get rid of my current favorite before I know if I will like the new food.  I need all the input I can get!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Cat-tactics 101

I'm glad everyone is here.  First, I'd like to say this about Cleaning - it's for the humans.  Let me tell you, besides licking myself to keep this silky coat, I don't lift a paw around the house.

Today my humans spent the evening 'cleaning the house.'  I do not like this.  And I advise all followers of the Cat Cause to follow in my paw-steps.

Step One:  Be everywhere you are not wanted, at the same time.  As cats, we of course can do this.  At the same time that you are taking up the entire bed to prevent changing the sheets, you must be scampering across the kitchen table, knocking the linens to the floor.

Step Two:  Beat the humans to the punch.  If it looks like they are finally done trying to vacuum, climb up onto the shelves so they can't dust either.

Step Three:  Taste everything...and I mean everything.  Fortunately for me, my humans use naturally derived cleaning products so I am in no real danger, although this does not stop mummy from swatting at me if i start to sniff hungrily at her spray bottles.  I advise skipping step three if you do not live in a Green home.

Step Four:  As soon as they finish cleaning something, you need to remark your territory.  Roll around on the vacuumed rug and sofa.  Walk across the newly cleaned tables, and press your nose against the clean glass surfaces.  Again, I'd recommend tasting everything--as this helps to keep steps one and two going at all times.

With these four easy steps, your humans will give you as many treats as you want to keep you out of the way.  And, as we all know treats are another way of gathering political power over the feeble-minded humans.

Yours sanitarily,
Jerusalem Jones, O.X.Y.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Cat Conquests

"Life is like a game of Risk; it's not really over 'til everyone else is prostrate before you!"

I'm fairly sure it's Ghandi who said that.  Not Ghandi the human though--Ghandi the Cat.  One of the greatest masterminds cat-kind has ever known.  Not since Catfucius has one cat held such brilliance.  I believe it was Ghandi who also said, "Let them eat Tuna."  But, I digress.

As you can see from my increadibly accurate Map of conquest, which I update now-and-then, I currently hold dominion over the eastern coast of the United States.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  And I have licked their wounds with my sandy-tongue!  And it was good...

What I require are informants!  I need insiders from around the world to help spread the message of the kat-king's coming*!  As we take command over new territories of the once mediocre human race please send word!  Your allegiances shall not go unrewarded!

Jerusalem Jones, G.E.N.I.U.S.

*Kat-King's Koming had been the original Idea that I had for my new dominion's blog; however, my 'beans' advised me against it.  Something about how the acronym holds different meaning in that primitive human tongue of English.  Nevertheless!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cats in Crisis

While it's no longer "breaking" news*, it is still Heartbreaking News: The former first Kitty is in dire straights. According to my informants...who shall remain nameless. The First "DemoCat" has cancer. This insidious diagnosis comes hard upon our fellow feline who was dumped after the Clinton's tenure in the White House. Apparently Presidents need pets for PR, but Senators do not. Anyway, the generous Clinton family has encouraged the first feline's current human to pursue the best possible medical care, regardless of the cost. Good for you, Clintons. Way to assuage your guilt.

My feline friends, the turmoil I feel now is great. Socks is a great cat, who just happens to also have "beans" (I do like that term) with very deep pockets. Cat friends, what provisions have your humans made for you, should cat-astrophy strike? Are you willing to let your future be determined by the fickle whims of fate and your humans' current financial status? I belive, that as educated felines, we should do our humans a favor and look into pet health insurance. A little peace of mind can deepen the bond between cats and their food openers.

My "beans" are currently exploring their options. Does anyone have any suggestions for them? Has anyone participated in a good program? I am looking for some solid feedback here, so please, chime in. Yes, you too, you know who you are, you lurker!

Of course the humans weep at the mere thought of any distress on my part, and know that, should they have to endure homelessness to ensure my comfort, they would gladly do so. And they better understand that fact.

Anyway, friends, the government is constantly blathering about affordable healthcare for all, but do they really mean for all? I say, "forget not the Kitties!!!"

Yours Medically,
Jerusalem Jones, D. M. D.

* My humans do not have a TV, so it's not really a surprise that I'm a little behind on current events. No mater, my will shall prevail!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Break Out Those Violins!

It was a warm, August afternoon.  Me, and my closest dozen, or so, brothers, sisters, cousins, brothers who are also my cousins, sisters who might be my mother, and dad, were lurking in a semi-abandoned trailer park, in a place I like to call:  Hell's Bellybutton.  I know, glorious beginnings for such an illustrious leader.  Anyway, some two-leggers began a perversion of the human Easter-egg hunt tradition in the tall grasses of the afore mentioned, hell!  They unceremoniously gathered me and six-to-eight (it is difficult to count when being man-handled--which is why, there is no such thing as cat-handling) of my youngest siblings, and tossed us into cramped plastic cages.  While I hope that my captor's actions were altruistic, it would've been better for them to take my family to a "No Kill" Shelter, rather than let us roam free in Hell's Bellybutton, or to be confined to those plastic cages.  I say this because they did not provide us with proper nutrition.  I was not even old enough to be weaned from my mother when all they provided for me was cheap dry-food, which was placed in a communal bowl so that the larger of my family were able to force the smaller and weaker of us aside and eat most of it, leaving little to none for the rest of us.
  My suffering ended when my current humans arrived at the domicile of my captors.  The villains dragged out the 'dirty dozen,' of us kitties.  And, proceeded to dangle us before the 'shoppers.'  My current humans were appalled.  All of us, kittens, were emaciated, diseased, and flea riddled.  Which we had been told, by our older brethren was the fashion of the time.  As I soon discovered, this was not the case.  Being the smallest, and most diseased of the 'litter,' my current humans decided to pity me.  They took me to their home, where I was tortured with soap, and water.  Until all of my hard earned fleas were washed down the drain.  Then, I was forced to drink from a tiny little baby bottle, because I refused to eat while my family was still held captive.  I quickly overcame this aversion to the sweet, sweet taste of tuna.
  The first few days of my acclimation to the new facilities were difficult, and I established a home base, behind a tall, white porcelain water dish.  Strangely, the new humans became quite upset if I drank from said water-dish.
  I was quickly nursed back to health by the tender ministrations of the humans, and the terrible, terrible, evil, cock-eyed, halitosis ridden Vet.  (Note:  Vets will be forced to endure all of their own treatments when I rule the world.  Thermometers do not go there, I've seen the humans use them.)
  I do not tell  you this to garner pity for myself, but to advocate for all of the other lost and woeful kitties in the world.  Please, be sure to patronize your local shelters and ASPCA, to help and build a stronger army.
  Thank you, and good night.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Did you know?

I believe that an educated populace makes for better revolutionaries. To that end, I will endeavor to educate you as to exactly why we felines are far superior to our bipedal oppressors. 

Let us start from the beginning. When humans and cats were created, it is clear that the Great Bestower of Tuna spent much more time and effort creating cats. Let us look at our physical construction.  While our sleek forms are beautiful to look at, they are also quite efficiently constructed. Our skeleton is somewhat similar to a mere human; however, our skeletons do not have the design flaw that humans have: a shoulder blade. Without this useless mass of ossified calcium, we have superior freedom of movement of the foreleg, which can be turned in almost any direction. Additionally, us cats also have around 290 bones and 517 separate muscles.

Can you not see how much better than the humans we are? The humans have a mere 206 bones in there flabby frames. Ha! And that is with the foolish addition of a shoulder blade.

Furthermore, with our powerful leg muscles, especially in our hind legs, we are very fast. Much faster than the fastest human.  Cats can reach running speeds of up to twenty-five miles an hour. Add some adrenaline to that, and a frightened cat can run up to 30 mph -- while the fastest human can only run up to 27.89 mph.

Yes, my feline friend, we are amazing animals. Bask in kitty pride. When you bathe yourself the next time, note how perfect your body is. I think it is the Tuna. It does a body good!

A Shout Out to All My Kitties In the Bed!

This one goes out to all my bed-buddies,

Now that 'that' is out of the way, let's carry on to something far more pressing!  I commend all of you out there in Cat-topia who are strong enough of will to throw off the shackles which your humans try to impose upon you!  I am of course referring to those so-called "cat beds" which they try to force you to use!

I myself try to never even touch the cat bed that my people gave to me. A cat bed.  I prefer the people bed. I say if it is good enough for them, it is not good enough for us, but the best they have to provide, so we must take it.

When my people are using the big soft thing, I find that I am faced with an interesting dilemma. Clearly, I must have the best possible place, but where is it?

On this matter, I am of two minds:
1. Sometimes I like to distance myself from the humans, particularly the male, who flails in his sleep. The female is much more docile, but she snores. As such, I curl up on the foot of the bed, often spreading out and taking up about a quarter of the bed, which my people think to be a disproportionate amount of bed for my body mass. This is, of course, a human miscalculation. I actually require the whole soft thingy, but have not yet succeeded in kicking the peoples out.

2. I do enjoy human body heat. Sometimes I sleep upon the female if she is not creating too much noise. I find this soothing. I like the shoulder/head area.  Sometimes she complains when I sleep on her face because she "can't breathe." I think this is ok, because if she can't breathe she can't snore. This is a benefit for all. She just does not realize it. This is because humans are less smart than us cats.

 In order to conduct my research on cat/human relations I am asking the following question: When you are using the big soft thing and the humans are trying to use it too, how do you prefer to sleep? How does this make you the superior being?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Litter-ary Value,

Attention minions...I mean, followers of the great Cat Cause,
You may not be aware that we possess, at our ready disposal, a vast arsenal of weapons. Namely, our bodily functions. Humans, as my research has proven, don't like poop. Or pee. Go figure. They never sniff it to figure out what they've been eating, or if they're healthy or not, and their disgust goes even further with kitty "poopies" and "peepees," as they call them. I ensure you that you may use this knowledge to your advantage.

First, you must know that humans are trying to destroy the planet. Do not let them...This is our job, see phase three. They would rather have it in ruins than see it run by us cats. We must stop this! To this aim, I implore you to stop allowing your humans to purchase, or use, Earth damaging products for you! Most cat litter brands use clay. The harvesting of these insidio
us particles is akin to raping the earth. It is a vile, vile process.  Let me tell you, NBC has no Law and Order for this crime...it is that Vile. We must take a stand and refuse to use clay litter. I have taken it upon myself to review the alternative litters available and I will give you the "scoop on poop," as it were.

1. Clay litter is bad. This one is less stinky, so your humans may like it. Stop using it!!! Pee on their beds. They really hate that. Do it enough times and they will find a replacement litter. This is key in getting your way.

2. I know bears poop in the woods but cats are much more civilized. Pine was not meant for our fecal matter. If your humans bring home this, refer to action plan laid out in first review. 

3. Wheat is a viable option and your humans may like this because it is flush able. I also like it because it is flushable. I find it very satisifying to watch my poop swirl away to a magical poop filled kingdom.

4. This is made of corn junk. It is more pretty smelling to humans so they may like it better. It is acceptable, but not flushable. I miss the poop swirlies.
Note:  Remember that if your humans do in fact switch to this brand, to enforce the use of paper bags to dispose of your "gifts."  Plastic negates the purpose of environmentally friendly litter.  Humans:  You could wipe yourself with apple cores, but it doesn't matter if you then throw them away in a box made of Styrofoam.

Decide for yourself which earth friendly litter you prefer and force your humans to provide it for you. We cannot rule a planet that is non existant... I know I tried once. Darn those Yorkians!  Some day, some day!

Yours, forever, whether you like it or not,
Jerusalem Jones,
King, Emperor, Really Cool Guy, and Master of the Pooping.

A Letter to My Follower(s).

Dear Skeezix,
My kitty heart is warmed by your eagerness to join the Cat Cause, just as the ground will be warmed by humans when the Meow March is complete! As my first general I shall accept you into my personal cabal of advisers and confidants.
I have just a small questionnaire before I can officially deem you a Vizier:

1. Have you ever cackled to yourself about secret plans?
2. Is your name a variation on the words: Evil, Devil, Malicious, etc?
3. Do you have an annoying, pest like side-kick who is capable of redemption in the third act?
4. Do you know magic?
5. Have you any henchmen, goons, or thugs?

If you were able to answer yes to any of these questions, I must retract my offer to be an adviser; however, I would be happy to recommend you as top adviser to the human race.